Is this my homecoming?
It has been three years since I was in South Africa. This is country that is in every fibre of who I am. But this homecoming is so very different. The last time I was here was because my mother had died quite suddenly. I was planning to come and spend a month with her. But very sadly she passed away a month before my arrival date. So, my trip in 2014 was consumed with sorting out my mother’s estate, her cremation and all that goes with a passing.
This time there is nothing left of her, only memories, and I am finding this experience very empty. In the past, my holidays here were always planned around my mother. This was always the time to see, do and enjoy time together. This included lots of cups of tea and milk tart or lime milkshakes. But this time….
I almost feel I don’t belong here anymore. But, to be honest, that has been the case for over two decades now. I don’t know how things work here. I have very little cultural references and I probably don’t sound very South African anymore either (well, I think I do). Which makes this all so very strange – who am I? My mother was my anchor in South Africa. And now that the anchor has been raised. This ship is out in an open sea, with no direction, no route and no destination.
The idea of coming to South Africa to spend Christmas with friends and family was exciting a few months ago. But as the time got closer to our departure, anxiety built up and now that I am here…I really don’t know if I even want to be here. This is no longer my home. This is no longer my happy place. Is this my duty?
Or, is this time an opportunity for me to find who I am? To explore my connection with the land I adore?
I am sad. I am lonely in my own country, my home, without my mother. And I fear how I will feel about South Africa when this trip is over. I will change (as one always does when we travel). But this time the change will transform so much of who I am, deep in my soul.
And that scares me….very very much!
(13th December 2017)
