It is crazy to think that I wrote this piece 2 days before my mother died on 29th October 2014. We had spoken on the phone about family. After we chatted I sat down to write this piece about a ‘time to heal’. It was the last time I heard her voice.
Being so far away from my family, I have been watching family situations around me and others from afar. I really do not understand why families behave the way they do towards each other. There are so many unhappy and tense relationships within family structures. After years of bad feelings people seem to forget how loving these relationships were and the joy they brought to each other’s lives. And yet people are prepared to let little things get in the way of those very happy times. I think it is time to start repairing the bridges that are broken within our families.
Accept & Love
Life is too short for all this nonsense to go on. The stubbornness is like children in a playground – for all of us, from all sides. No one gains anything from being mean, nasty, angry, unforgiving and opinionated. All this does is alienate people and push them apart. The joy of family is destroyed because people aren’t prepared to accept those they love – their choices, their mistakes, their weaknesses.
Most of what we think about others is rooted in our own insecurities, our own bitterness.
We need to start accepting and loving our families! There is no pleasure in feeling negative emotions about people because they are different to us. They may even have said things that hurt, or have behaved in a way that we don’t like. People only do these things because they are hurt, insecure, unhappy, scared, feel vulnerable and want to protect themselves. As soon as we identify this in the way people respond towards us, we can deal with it differently. And bring understanding into our relationships with strength and compassion.
Making Choices
Family members may have made choices that we wouldn’t have made. I am sure we have made choices they wouldn’t have. But that’s what makes us different and special. They have said things that hurt us, and we have said things that have hurt them. They make us laugh and they make us cry. At their lowest or most challenging times they are scared!
How would we feel when one of them dies?
That could happen at any time. No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what we think about their life choices, is it worth the pain, anger, arguments and disagreements?
Choosing Happiness
Often families disapprove of partner, husband or wife choices. To be honest, that really has nothing to do with us. They have chosen the other person and it is their life, their decision. And, if it is a mistake, it is their mistake.
What we think, means nothing. If they have chosen happiness then so be it. If they have chosen unhappiness, then that too is their choice. We do not know what goes on behind closed doors. And actually, that is why the doors are closed!
People choose their partners for many reasons. And that is not for us to judge. Whether we would’ve chosen that partner or not, is not the point. We can’t help who we fall in love with. Sometimes people see their happiness not as love, but rather as calm and stability in their lives. And sometimes people make a choice with their hearts and not their heads. Or maybe only because that person shares children with them. They may not even believe in love, but rather in family. So, when they choose to stay together for their children, that is their choice, nurtured in their perceptions.
Time to Heal
Families can be so are disappointing. I have spoken to many families who just do not love each other. It is tough to love each other for what we are and for what we are not. Because of personal issues many families are prepared to push everyone away. And regret lasts a very long time!
There is no time like the present. It is time to heal and mend these relationships. There is stubbornness on all sides (families are all from the same DNA after all). And on all sides people have taken things said to heart and have lashed back. Yet, all we need to do is to start understanding why people say things and why they have made those decisions. Then, simply accept them! And then love them for being who they are and not for their behaviour.
Take the Time
Take yourself back in time – a time of positive interactions with other family members – doesn’t that just make you warm inside? Everyone is to blame, because everyone has taken a stand and have refused to budge – we are all right and everyone else is wrong. If we just take the view of ‘there is no right or wrong’ – we are just going to reconcile and enjoy the rest of our lives in happy, sharing, loving relationships. I think it is the stronger one who is prepared to make the first move.
Daily I see evidence of why it is so very important to heal these relationships before someone dies and irrespective of who started what and who said what and who is ‘right’ and who is ‘wrong’, I think it is time….to bring the love back into our families – they are all we have. We can’t let the past dictate our present relationships…we can’t allow the past to imprison us in the future. Choose happiness over unhappiness….why wouldn’t we?
27th October 2014
A year later I reflected on the passing of my mother in ‘One Year On’.
